Office Survival 101

Seemed right on the ball where i work at APC. How about you guys? (when they start advising to use certain methods to avoid awkwardness, its fucking funny shit)

How to do a Poo-Poo at Work
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>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
>in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
>we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For
>those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
>at work.
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>CROP DUSTING
>When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
>your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
>from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
>been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
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>FLY BY
>The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
>other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
>again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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>ESCAPEE
>A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
>happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
>not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
>Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
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>JAILBREAK
>When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
>is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
>do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
>spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
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>COURTESY FLUSH
>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
>reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.
>This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
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>WALK OF SHAME
>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
>stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
>walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
>not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
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>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
>A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
>an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
>under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
>Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
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>THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
>off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
>Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
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>SAFE HAVENS
>A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
>expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
>will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
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>TURD BURGLAR
>Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
>force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
>that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
>until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
>eye contact.
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>CAMO-COUGH
>A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
>are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
>potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
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>ASTAIRE
>A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
>are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo
>in peace.
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>WATERMELON
>A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
>also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
>create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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>HAVANA OMELETTE
>A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
>water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an
>Astaire.
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>LOOK OUT BELOW:
>This is performed by unrolling a few feet of toilet paper and letting
>it fall into the toilet before a poo begins. The happy result is you can
>safely deal with WATERMELONS and most HAVANA OMELETTES without the
>annoying side effect of loud noise and the all-too shocking splash of cold toilet
> water back on your butt. This will need to be repeated several times, if
>necessary, so it should always be combined with the COURTESY FLUSH.
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>UNCLE TED
>A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
>lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
>Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
>wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
>other bathroom attendees. Most Uncle Teds are encountered in the last minutes
>of lunchtime and during morning and afternoon break times. Try to avoid these.