Post Stupid Jokes Best one gets a HUG!!!

[Crazed`JFitz]

Post your jokes!!! I had to put another joke post because the other one was hurting!

Quick Thinking

A man walked into the produce section of  his local supermarket and asked to  buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working  in that department told him that  they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The  man was insistent that the boy  ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a#@hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

 Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

 "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No S*** Who did she play for?"

[Paladin_Godfather]

So a girl walks into a bar on the fourth story of a building complex... only to find slobs and pervert in the whole bar.... so starting to feel discouraged she gets up to leave but sees a man that she hadn't noticed... walking up to him she asks, "what are you having"... The man replies,"SUPER BEER!!!!"... she backs away from the obvious freak and begins her search again.... Not finding anyone else, she decides to tolerate the crazy man.... She walks up to him again and says, "So, what are you really drinking?" The man again replies, "SUPER BEER!! and i'll prove it!!" having said that he leaps out the window, flies around outside and lands right beside the woman, and then gives her a drink.... "Go ahead you try." The woman jumps out of the window and plummets 4 stories to her death.... the Bartender then states,"God damn, superman, your an asshole when you are drunk!"









and dont steal my topic ideas!!!!

[HongKongPhooey]

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child exclaimed, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh, dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[monkeyjay]

 A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

[T3H]

There's 2 muffins in an oven, one muffin says "Wow It's Hot In Here!"
The other muffin turns and yells

AAAHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!








if thats not good enuff...........2 Blondes Walk Into A bar...........You'd Think One Of Them Would have Seen It.



 

[xTc the NJ GUIDO]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Crazed`JFitz]

So heaven's backed up again like always at the pearly white gates and St. Peter has had enough of the boring sob stories he's been hearing about all day so he yells down the enormous line and says "I will only let people in who tell me a good story!" and that was that. So the first man comes up and starts his story, "I was coming home early from work today to surprise my wife when I noticed a man's jacket hanging on the chair... furious i started frantically looking for this man who was obviously not just here to "sell a magazine" so i searched high and low until finally i saw some fingers hanging on the balcony. So i went out there and started yelling and cursing and stomping on the guys hand, but he just wouldnt let go! So than i took a hammer and hit his fingers and he finally let go but landed into some bushes and was still alive, so i dragged my refridgerator out on the balcony and pushed it over and squished the guy but in the process i had a heart attack and now im here!" St. Peter looks at the guy and decides to let him in. Next man comes up St. Peter says "state your story" the man starts " well i was doing arobics in my pent house sweet when i suddenly slipped off the edge but luckily i grabbed onto a balcony and saved myself and than too my luck a man came but instead of helping me he started shouting and cursing at me than stomping on my hands but i held on as much as i could than he disappeared and came back with a hammer and i let go but luckily some bushed saved me. Than suddenly i saw this huge white object and now im here!" St. Peter lets him in third guy comes up and starts his story "Well i was bangin this guys wife when he suddenly came home so i hid in the fridge and now im here!

[T3H]

fitz that just suked moose cock lol just kidding

[NickFitz]

LOL..I love these posts, that was nice..but mine is of course, hands down the best:

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the
voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the
ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once
more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

------------------------------------------------
Ok..that was kind of a bad one..let me try again:


....

yeah, cant think of anything..else.....damn

[Paladin_Godfather]

So this gay guy walks into a bar and asks the 'tender for a Sloe Gin Fizz.... "We don't take kindly to you folk 'round these parts", replied the bar keep.  Feeling like no one will ever accept him the man sits at a table.. Just then a cowboy kicks the door in a shouts,"WOOOO WEEEEE! I'm so thirsty i could lick the sweat off of a cow's balls!"  Having heard this the gay guy leaps on the table drops his pants and procliams, "Well, Moo Moo, Buckaroo!! 

[T3H]

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.



lol






JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!

[Paladin_Godfather]

TE|Paladin slaps TE|Thug with a large trout....



A blonde and a brunette jump off of a cliff.  Who lands first??


The brunette! The blonde had to ask for directions

[Larry Flint]

two guys crash land on an island infested with cannibals

the get captured and dragged back to the village, where the cannibal cheif then comes out and says, "You outsiders have trespassed onto my island for this you much face: Death or MAMBO!"

the two guys are like what is mambo?

mambo the cheif replies is every man in the village comes and fucks you in the ass.

so he turns to the first guy, what do you choose?

well the first guy thinks about it, well i wana live so give me mambo

so the three day long ritual begins, they fuck him in the ass!

by now the second guy is like holy shit!

the ritual ends, and the cheif releases the first guy

now the cheif turns to the second guy, what do you choose Death... or MAMBO?

second guy says " Well fuck that! I'd rather die!"

the cheif then says

IT HAS BEEN SPOKEN, DEATH BY MAMBO!

[flintlock]

What is a Yankee?



The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.








Why is divorce so expensive?







Because it's worth it.

[flintlock]

Not sure which thread to post in. Hmmmm


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?



Doughnuts?





What do you call a smart blonde?




A golden retriever.

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