The Elders' House of Pain
Public Forum => Talk Back => Topic started by: xTc the NJ GUIDO on January 03, 2006, 01:22:31 AM
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New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God she wasn't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place was the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's a version of looting.
New Rule:
(and this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Not bad guido...not bad at all...
Here's another:
Eliminate the gazillion rate and connection settings in Source. It's like the friggin' aristocratic English language with all he friggin' rules that only someone who wrote the shit would know how to use them. All we need is one variable with three settings - "Friggin' Fast", "Doesn't stand out in a crowd - Medium" and "Slow-assed cheap/poor mo-fo with dial-up". All the other shit can be bagged.
And one more:
Eliminate the friggin' spam board. What a waste of hard drive space.
:mrgreen:
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Eliminate the friggin' spam board. What a waste of hard drive space.
:mrgreen:
blasphemer! that's worth 40 hours on the rack!
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Funny shit guido. Did you write that yourself. And no I am not being sarcastic, just curious!!!
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thats some funny shit
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No I wish, but I believe it was written by a fellow anguished New Jersey person.
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All things great start out in NJ. It's the truth. Look it up sometime.